First of all before you Google it, Pistanthrophobia is the fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad (actually worst in my case).
I have a different view regarding the mess I have created or was already there in my life. I have never been a constant person or maybe I have because change is the only constant. My mind is a disaster embracing the beauty of massacre occurring there. The tussle between my theories is everlasting. There are like many parallel theories going in my mind, fighting for a stand. My theories would be about life, relationships, love, lust, friends, work, benefits and many more hot topics running around my small tangled ball of nerves.
I like to submerge in my passion and dreams. I can exist alone without any support on emotional front. I can’t take the risk of attaching myself to a person in this ‘oh so loving’ world. I don’t want to feel things. I want to be a heartless bitch, who stores a lot in her mind. I expect myself to have a quiet face which resides in peaceful and charming soul.
I want to make friends, just friends with little benefits. I don’t expect you to appear with a bouquet and a pack of chocolates at my office desk exclaiming ‘Surprise’ because that would be a shock for me. Please never try to attempt such hazardous stunts, only and only if you want to live without any guilt of my death due to a heart attack you gave.
I am a mess. I feel like being a stripper at a bar where no one knows my background story and just judge my moves. People are very judgmental in this ‘Silent World’. So, strangers are always better than the known crowd. At least there is no problem in shaking your booty in front of people who will further not play ‘Chinese Whisper’ describing its curviness. I can dress up for a random date with a guy I met on an online chat room, but not with someone who is dying to take me out. Hehe. Evil!
My theories would make you wonder that this fact is pretty sad and depressing that I don’t want to feel anything. I might end up even worse. There is neither a happy ending to this nor a phase where I end up happy. A lifetime would be a very long time with no feelings, but decent duration to spend on oneself. I will then be having multiple faces and contradicting personalities in this entire journey.
Maybe you will think that I should work harder to overcome this fear if I want to be in a happy, healthy relationship again, but no. I don’t want a relationship or that romantic period of life anymore. I am over with relations. I don’t like to break hearts. So if you are falling for me after reading my blog, don’t un-follow it but ask your friends to follow it.